Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
