The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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