I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
