I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
