this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
