And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
