Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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