You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
