i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
