I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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