I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
