Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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