Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we're making bets on your personal life
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
