By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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