When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize