he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
