He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
