glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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