Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
