I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
