she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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