i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
