so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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