we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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