Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
