kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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