I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
