I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize