In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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