im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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