The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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