yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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