My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
