We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
