I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
