You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
