Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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