When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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