Will you blow on my dice?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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