It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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