you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
