you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
