Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The maid of honor just puked.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
