I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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