How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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