I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
