A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
