the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
