All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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