She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
