i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize