I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
