Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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