What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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