He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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