you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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