there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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