Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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