My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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