Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
