mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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