I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
