Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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