Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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